Are You Enabling Your Loved One's Addiction?

By Hugh C. McBride

Your loved one is struggling with an addiction, and you’ve dedicated yourself to helping him stay alive and upright until you can convince him to get the treatment he needs to overcome his addiction.

But is it possible that your “help” is actually having the opposite effect? Instead of bringing your loved one closer to recovery, could your actions be making it easier for him to continue using? In other words, are you an enabler?

Helping or Harming?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help a loved one avoid pain – indeed, the support of caring and committed friends and family members can make all the difference when it comes to a successful recovery.

But there’s a big difference between actions that are supportive and those that enable the addictive behavior to continue. Failing to understand the difference can result in a world of pain and frustration for both the addicted individual and the enabler.

Me – an Enabler?

When addiction and enabling is portrayed on television or in a film, the enabler is usually a long-suffering wife who repeatedly covers up or fixes the problems caused by her addicted husband. And though spouses are often in a prime position to enable an addiction, they aren’t the only ones who engage in this behavior.

Anyone who is in a position to help an addicted person avoid the negative repercussions of addiction-related behavior can be an enabler. Common enablers include the following:

Spouses
Children
Siblings
Parents
Employers
Colleagues
Friends

To put it simply, any person who actively or passively shields an addicted person from the impact of her addiction is an enabler.

What Does Enabling Look Like?

Few of us want to see a loved one suffer, but there comes a point when “helping out” does more harm than good. For example, loaning money to help a friend through a financial crisis can be a life-affirming, relationship-cementing gesture, but continuing to pay the rent for an alcoholic friend who keeps drinking his paycheck away does little more than help your friend dodge the damage that his disease is inflicting upon his life.

As Phil McGraw, the therapist, author, and host of the popular “Dr. Phil” show, puts it on his website, “An enabler is a person who, acting out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and concern, steps in to protect, cover up for, make excuses for and become more responsible for the chemically dependent person. This can prevent the chemically dependent individual from the crisis that might bring about change, and thereby prolong his/her illness.”

If you have engaged in any of the following behaviors, you may be guilty of enabling:

Making excuses or lying for an addicted spouse, such as calling his boss to say that he’s too sick to come to work when he’s actually drunk or hungover.
Paying her bills or loaning her money because she’s spent all available funds on drugs or alcohol.
Bailing him out of jail when his addiction has resulted in an arrest.
Covering for her when she misses social engagements or other appointments because she was drinking, taking drugs, or too hungover to attend.
Accepting yet another excuse, looking the other way when he fails to live up to his promises, or not asking questions because you don’t want to know the answer – or don’t want to hear another lie.
Denying that your loved one has a problem.

How Can You End the Cycle?

Writing on the families.com website, counselor Beth McHugh acknowledges that making the right decision to stop enabling won’t suddenly make everything better:

When an enabler decides to stop "helping", relationships invariably become difficult as the enabler becomes a target for rage, pleading, and emotional blackmail. This is the time to stand firm. It's not easy, but if you love your friend or family member, it is the best gift you can give them. Making them take responsibility for their actions is the only way that your friend or family member can begin to change their lives.

If your friend ultimately decides to move on because you refuse to comply with their endless requests, they were never your friend in the first place. They were only using you.

But even though withholding your “help” can put a strain on your relationship, there’s no doubt that it’s the best action to take – both for you and for your addicted loved one.

To provide assistance that will actually help a loved one who is struggling with an addiction to alcohol or other drugs, the recovery experts at Sober Living by the Sea – one of the nation’s premiere addiction recovery programs – advise having a conversation that features the following four concepts:

Express that you care about them.
Bring up a specific time that their alcohol or drug use has worried you.
Offer to take the next step (for example, drive them to the doctor or make an appointment).
Listen to their response and be attentive to what they say; listen to them fully, and be supportive if the person is agreeable to getting help.

To learn more about how to provide productive help to a friend or family member who is addicted to alcohol or another drug, talk to your family physician, contact a therapist in your community, or go online to learn more about the many resources that are available to you and your family.

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Are You Enabling Your Loved One's Addiction?